Do you feel that your relationship is lacking something because you’re not spontaneous? Do you think that intimacy is something that should be spontaneous? If you do worry about the need to make time for intimacy in your relationship, you’re not alone!
Unfortunately, the media has often portrayed spontaneity as the norm in relationships. This myth has put so much pressure on many relationships because it’s simply not possible to make every intimate moment a spontaneous one! In fact, if couples only had sex when both partners spontaneously felt like it - it would rarely ever happen!
The reality is very different. When you’re leading a hectic life, spontaneity is often the last thing on your mind. There’s your work schedule to take into account, as well as the kids, the morning breakfast rush, the commute home - none of it lends itself to spontaneous intimacy. You’re often exhausted and ‘being in the mood’ simply doesn’t happen.
So rather than feeling guilty about the lack of spontaneity, embrace your schedule and plan to make time for it instead!
Now, I don’t suggest hard blocking time in your diary. But it is essential that you have a conversation and agree on the best days/times that suit you both. You can then pencil in some options that fit around your commitments and work routines, and agree to have at least one meeting during those times/dates.
This helps turn your intimate time together into a much-anticipated event. There’s time for you to mentally and physically prepare, the anticipation of being intimate and trying new things, the fantasies you may contemplate and knowing you have time set aside to enjoy being together. That way, once you are together, you can take your time, knowing that you have no other commitments or distractions. By scheduling time together you’ve ensured you’re both available and engaged with each other, ready to enjoy your time together and be as spontaneous as you’d like.
It’s important to remember that scheduling sex doesn’t mean you need to have intercourse. The point of your schedule is to ensure you have time to be with each other and focus on your relationship. It’s about intimacy. Sex can happen if it’s right for both of you at that time, but if it isn’t, that’s ok too. You can spend that time building close connections with each other. Take part in activities such as talking to each other about your fantasies, playing with your partner’s hair, hugging until you’re relaxed, role-playing, sensual massage, as these can all help you feel a closer connection to your partner.
The media today has put a lot of pressure on couples to be sexual. But if you want to be intimate with your partner, you need to make time for it - and agree to work on it. So sit down, communicate your needs and see where it takes you.
If you would like some support with your relationship, I offer personal coaching to help you overcome blocks or see where you get stuck and how to overcome it.