Do you long for love – but notice that you find it hard to receive? Do you try to do everything yourself and never ask for help?
If you answered yes to both these questions then keep reading.
Hi, I’m Nicola Foster, I’m an experienced relationship therapist and in this blog I offer three ideas on receiving love.
Something I hear as a relationship coach is just how many people find it terrifying to actually let love in.
Many of us, me included, have experienced very painful relationship endings.
After betrayal, trusting someone again requires a huge leap of faith.
In dating and in relationships, this can show up as not wanting to accept offers of help, or appreciations or acts of love.
What tends to happen is that we deflect, or rush over anything that might feel like someone is putting our needs ahead of their own. Giving the impression that we’re not really “bovvered’ is very common!
For example: someone offers to pay and we determinedly insist on a 50/50 split.
Or, someone compliments us on our outfit and we say – “Oh, this old thing, I’ve had it ages.”
In the very EARLY stages of dating, this can be a sensible strategy. It serves our intention which is to keep us safe. Our brain is ALWAYS looking for the best, fastest, most reliable way to keep us safe.
However, if we ALWAYS deflect offers of support because we can do it all ourselves – it doesn’t help to build intimacy.
Why is it important to practice letting love in?
Being able to give and receive love wholeheartedly is heart opening for both parties.
It makes us feel useful, wanted, valued.
It builds and strengthens connection.
Here are three ideas on how to practice receiving more in your day-to-day life:
If you notice that you have a tendency towards being critical. (Note: it’s pretty common in us humans!) Try to practice active appreciation. Think of three things every day that you appreciate about the other people you are relating with. How are they showing up? What ways are trying to connect? What small acts of kindness did they show?
We are all living busier and busier lives, with more distraction from devices and media. Can you take a moment to look into the eyes of the person you’re relating with. What do you find there? Also, notice that they are seeing into your eyes. The eyes are the windows of the soul. When you are willing to let yourself seen, it can be an incredibly connecting experience.
Oooh. This can be a BIGGIE! If you are used to doing everything yourself, then asking for help can be scary! Especially, if there is the possibility of hearing a ‘no’. Have you ever been ill and found that you had no choice but to ask for help? What was it like? Asking for help and then letting yourself feel the appreciation of receiving it can be a game changer in relationships. Most people want to help, but they don’t hear a clear request. A coach once advised me to practice being “hopeless and helpless”, it was excruciating to me but I still try to practice it as an antidote to patterns of fierce independence.
If any of this resonates with you, please comment below. I’d love to hear about your experiences of opening to let more love come your way.
If you would like some support, I offer personal coaching to help you overcome blocks or see where you get stuck and how to overcome it.